I am trying to write from the heart but my words keep getting tripped up by my mind.
“Will it go up again? Can it go up again? But then it will go down!” Our mind moves ahead, worrying.
At my lowest point of …down… I was sliding across the gravel. My hands and knees were bruised and bleeding as I skated across with nothing to hold onto. I couldn’t stand up on my own. I wasn’t sure I wanted to stand again.
Along the way I learned lessons. How to see light in the darkness. How to laugh. How to live. How to breathe. Yes, I had forgotten how to breathe.
I want to give you hope that everything will be alright. But the truth is that life’s rollercoaster won’t stop.
Today I am reminded of this. I reached out to someone who is sliding on the gravel. I tried to give comfort. I felt helpless, but I hope I helped. I wanted to go back there to feel my pain so I could speak in a genuine way, but I can’t go back. I shouldn’t. Sometimes I still wrestle with this.
My journey continues. I fought the hardest fight of my life. How did I get through that? Am I through it?
Yes, I am here, now. Yes, I am different. Am I Phoenix rising? (cliché, but feels appropriate because I did crash and burn). No, I don’t want to go back again.
I fight with this back and forth and back again.
I am trying to write from the heart but my words keep getting tripped up by my mind. If I feel too much will I have to go down… down… down again?
I am spending longer times on the up and less on the down…
I just need to harness my heart and keep living, and writing.